Mother – daughter relationship (continuation)

Active listening in this case is reflecting back what the other person is saying, instead of assuming you already know what she will say or assuming that there is no sense in what she is saying. When you reflect back what your mum or daughter is saying, you telling her that she is being heard and that you understand. It’s a way of encouragement. Enable to listen to the feelings underlying the message, which is often the real message

Hello reader, you are  welcome to our column, we are glad to have you read THE INK newspaper. We are still considering a topic that is relevant in our today’s society. Apart from us having daughters and mothers that are well educated, something very vital is still lacking. It’s no gain bragging to people that your daughter is in the university when you don’t even know the level she is or her major (course of study) as a mother, you don’t even know the kind of friends she is keeping, you can’t even defend her should there be need to do so, you don’t even know the kind of relationship she is in to etc. just because you are either afraid of her or you feel you shouldn’t intrude into her privacy. Let me pause to ask you as a mother: is there anybody you’ve assigned to carry out these responsibilities in the life of your daughter?

Also, it is meaningless boasting to people that your mother is working in one big time company when you don’t even know the level she is, you can’t even allow her to have access to your cell phone, you can’t even share your emotional life with her, etc as a daughter, all in the name of avoiding her because she is disturbing you too much or you have no pleasure sharing your problems with her as your mother. Well, let me just hint you that your best adviser should be your mother, she should be your confidant, she should even be your mentor. However, let’s continue from where we stopped:

4. Be an active listener: Active listening in this case is reflecting back what the other person is saying, instead of assuming you already know what she will say or assuming that there is no sense in what she is saying. When you reflect back what your mum or daughter is saying, you telling her that she is being heard and that you understand. It’s a way of encouragement. Enable to listen to the feelings underlying the message, which is often the real message. Please create time to be a proactive listener to your mother or daughter. Don’t misunderstand her.

5. Repair damage quickly: It should occur to you as a mother or daughter that conflict is inevitable, you should be able to deal with it head on, not nagging or ranting with your mother or daughter as if she has committed the worst office (if there is any). Avoiding, ignoring or not resolving conflict can have unimagined consequences. It is often said charity begins at home, if you fail to resolve conflict with your daughter or mother, you’ll definitely do same with an outsider and you may not land on a safe side in your future relationships with your boss, partner, pastor friends, etc.

6. Put yourself in her shoes: If you are daughter, think of your mother as a woman with her own wounds and hurts who was born and raised in a different generation with different values and background and consider how you would want to be treated when you become like her, also you mother, go down memory lane when you were like your daughter i.e. when you were her age, try to affect your daughter positively not the other way round. To that extent, address your mother’s or daughter’s feelings with empathy and offer a compromise.

7. Learn to forgive: An adage says “to err is human, to forgive is divine”. Forgiveness has to do with the true nature and nurture f an individual. Forgiving your mother or daughter doesn’t mean what happened was okay. It doesn’t mean tolerating, rather it’s a simple way of saying I still love and care for you as my mother or daughter. It is a key for well being. It makes no sense in carrying grudges around or transferring the aggression to an external person.

8. Agree to Disagree: Mothers and daughters disagree on many topics such as career, marriage, parenting etc and they usually try to convince the other to change those opinions. Mothers feel rejected and threatened that their daughters are not making decisions synonymous with theirs. Daughters on the other hand feel their mothers disapprove of them and get defensive. You need to realize as a mother or daughter that there are some topics you’ll never agree on. And that’s normal. You don’t need to take something that is not personal personal as a mother or daughter.

9. Stick to the present: Please you need to avoid irrelevant things that have passed. It’s of no use keeping a record of the offences she has committed as your mother or daughter or the mistakes she made, it will rather lead to uncalled for arguments and it’s time consuming. It’s quite proper focusing on the present.

10. Don’t bring in third parties: It is common for mothers and daughters to bring someone else into their conflict. Inviting third parties outside your immediate family is posting a picture of irresponsibility and it’s quite unfortunate that this will lead to more conflict. It’s more attracting and colourful if you apologize where necessary, listen to what the other person has to say and try to see reasons with her, this will allow peace, joy and love to reign.

My dear reader, it doesn’t just end here that you are reading this column but it will be of greater advantage if you practice what you’ve read.